The House That Waffles Built.

Billy bonka is now firmly entrenched in the funshine state, after a whirlwind drive of 24 hours and 2 days of furious unloading, unpacking, and the ritual buying of new home necessities. Helping a friend move is one of the odd joys of life, you are sad at the loss yet glad at the chance to help. A kind of physical catharsis, working off the sorrow of loss by helping to bear the burden of leaving.

As for the trip itself... well here are some highlights:

• If the driver starts to slap himself in the face, repeatedly, to stay awake - stop for the night. Never has any pilot of any vehicle ever done anything other than frighten anyone who is  witness to  such a technique. Imagine, if you will, a flight controller and airline pilot: "Flight 516 you are clear for landing on runway 5-niner, over" ; "Roger that <slap-slap>, 5-niner, five by five, <slap-slap> over."
• i-pods should no longer be considered luxury items, and should be promoted to a status on par with clothing and shelter. Had my first chance to really get to know one, and it has the best interface for a device since the discovery of the handle. No road trip should be without one, and i now officially want one.
• Please support the local Waffle Houses if you are in the deep south, as it is has apparently replaced cotton growing as the lynch pin of their economy. Seriously there was a Waffle House at nine out of ten exits and sometimes two at one. Interestingly, the menu doesn't even really have waffles on it - it's just assumed that every thing pretty much comes with a waffle. They're good waffles though. I can here it now, like some kind of Bruce Dickinson of southern economic growth, "I'm telling you, your gonna want those Waffle Houses on that highway."
• Floridians must be soooo proud of their state that they reeeeaaly want you to take a goooood look when you first cross the state line as evidenced by the Escambia Bay Bridge. The main road going into Florida from west to east, an interstate mind you, is one fucking lane for about five miles, including the bridge. Traffic was brought to a crawl for about an hour. It wasn't "rush hour" or anything, it wasn't even in a city, it was just one lane. For no reason. None. The real kicker was that this was the hurricane evacuation route, God help them should they ever need to evacuate in a hurry.
• After 8 hours of driving the stupor can be the best part of the trip, you just start saying the strangest things. During one conversation i turned to the person riding with me and said, "If your real good, daddy will take you to the Waffle House."
• Also, in Florida, with no water in site, from horizon to horizon, nor any water for miles before or after, a sign saying "no fishing from roadway".  Ah, this must be the highly endangered Florida Roadfish, safe and protected,  along the I-10 Dirtlake Sanctuary and Memorial Truck Stop.
• On the flight back, as i sent by carry-on bag through security, i had forgotten about a small pair of scissors. Now you may be expecting a rant about the stupidity of the whole weapons of mass nail-clipping thing, but i won't go into that. While i do think it is pointless, the airlines have made it clear what not to take on a plane, and i had simply forgotten to include that item along with the others i had sent ahead by mail. My mistake, i lose the scissors, i buy new ones, and i go on with my life. What you will get however is a description of the actual event. The lady on the far side of the x-ray machine called me over to my bag and informed me she was going to check it, I gave her my tacit and irrelevant consent.  I felt a little sorry for her, i had planned the trip well and the was nothing but dirty clothes in there. Except my toilet bag, which she pulled out and went though, being thorough she checked everything until finally coming to the object she knew was in there the whole time -- the scissors. She pulls them out gingerly, with two of her latex gloved fingers, like they were the first nuclear powered, anthrax dispersing, democracy killing, mustache scissors ever encountered and she would be famous for saving the world, single-handedly, from it's vile and despicable evil. Of course next she gave me a little tilted head look like i was a puppy that had just chewed up her bath slippers, that must have come straight from Patronizing for Dummies. I wanted to laugh out loud at the complete nonsense of it all, they're scissors, small ones, they are completely inconsequential on every level, except for trimming hairs, small ones. The scenario couldn't have been more inane if she had asked me, "Sir, could you please do the hokey-pokey and turn your self around? Thank you.", because that must be what it's all about. Oh, well. I just smiled and apologized to the nice lady and put my shoes back on.

Comments

[billy bonka]

Math_James,

You and Tartan Horde...I owe you both big. apartment is all set up, thanks to you both, and all is well. Look to an update email sometime this weekend.

[Ojo Rojo]

Dude! The Florida Roadfish is real! It's an amphibious fish that swims inland during extremely high tides and floods and buries itself in the mud during dry periods. Highly sought for food. Some can get as large as four pounds! NOT!

Your funniest post yet!

[MathJames]

Almost forgot some of the actual places around town. There is the local skate park, Gonnaplahookee. The 'red light' district at the corner of forth and Paytoseemicoochee. The Sumpinsmellsfunee Historical Swamp Society. And I believe this was the home of the original Spellitwithtwoees indian Waffle House and Spirit Lodge.